With all these feelings, we go home to live our routine lives, only to realize our perfect spouse is not so perfect after all.
Why is marriage so different from dating? Why does the mirage have to disappear? Well, while dating, if you felt you needed a break, you two would head off to some nice resort, and if you got tired of each other, you went to your own houses, and most of all you managed your own finances.
Marriage is not so simple! It's about two becoming one; two wallets becoming one, two families becoming one, two wills becoming one, and most importantly, two lives becoming one. Uniting in such a manner is in no way going to be easy.
The initial years of marriage are believed to be the most crucial and the most important, because these are the foundational years. There certainly will be roadblocks and pits along the way, but the idea is to avoid them and find out ways to hoist yourselves from those pits. This involves a conscious effort.
However, just like how we need to work hard to keep our bodies fit, we need to work on our marriages to keep it happy and peaceful.
10 Common Mistakes Most Newlyweds Make
In fact, marriage is the time you realize people have such different views about money, savings, and spending. But how's this possible! After all, it is just money! While you may be a person who makes sure you save 10% of your earnings every month, your spouse may be the kind to spend every penny.
With credit and debit cards making spending so convenient today, it becomes so difficult for couples to keep a tab on the splurging. Most married couples end up fighting over financial issues, especially when debt sets in. The thorns of a financial crisis dents the marriage in a nasty way.
Solution: Discuss and plan the monthly budget together
It's important to lay things clearly on the table. The two of you should sit down together and make a monthly budget. This will give you both an understanding of the financial situation.
Once the fixed expenses like rent, energy, groceries, insurance, etc., are taken into account, the leftover amount will be clear. Together, decide what you wish to do with the rest of the money. Do you want to invest for the future, or save it up for a holiday, car, house, etc.
When the financial status is clear, and both of you are working towards the same goal, life becomes simpler. Remember, no 'my money' or 'your money', it's 'our money', which we both plan and spend together.
The day it comes out, it will cause turmoil. Many newlyweds fear losing their loved ones, which is why they continue keeping secrets. The secrets continue to pile up, and when your spouse finds out you were hiding something, trust breaks. Marriage without the bond of trust is like going bungee jumping without any safety gear.
Solution: Be courageous and come clean
Being honest requires a lot of courage, and involves a conscious effort. It may not come easily, especially to a person who's been keeping secrets all through courtship. It's always best to come clean before marriage, but it's not too late even in the initial days of marriage.
Apologize sincerely, and make sure you keep no secrets then on. Because apologizing and then continuing on the same path is like walking on a field full of mines, which can blow up in your face anytime.
Allowing Friends to Interfere
A friendship that's causing trouble in your marriage is not worth it, no matter how much you like it. Marriage is a unique bond between husband and wife, and not the entire friend circle.
While our friends have watched our backs in numerous instances, after marriage, a certain line must be drawn. You do not, in any way, have to break the friendship, but dependency on the friendship has to reduce.
This doesn't mean you can't hang out or party with your friends. It just means that you have to balance it out well. If your friends are meeting up after a long time, discuss it with your spouse and go ahead and meet them. Meeting friends occasionally is never a problem. It only becomes a problem when it becomes a regular affair.
But after marriage, couples begin to take each other for granted. A lot of effort is put into making each other feel good during courtship, because wooing is underway.
Place a love note on your husband's laptop, which he would find when he opens it. This is sure to bring a smile on his face when he gets down to work. Fold the clothes, get the bedroom tidy for a change, or wake up early and prepare a cup of tea for your wife. These gestures are sure to be appreciated.
Moreover, going behind your spouse's back and crying over somebody else's shoulder wouldn't be appreciated by your spouse. When married couples look for consolation from others, the distance between them only widens, and they slowly grow apart.
Solution: Settle the dispute between yourselves
During marital disputes, couples should sort out their issues and keep it to themselves. Bad mouthing your spouse in front of others may seem comforting at that instant, but has bad repercussions. Your parents or your friends will lose respect for your spouse. Every couple must have a mentor if possible. A mentor whom the two of you love, respect, and trust.
If you encounter a standstill in your conflict resolution, the two of you should be able to go to that mentor for help. But again, this is something that has to be strictly mutual.
Assuming the Partner's Role
We've all grown up watching our parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles closely. We paint certain pictures of the dos and don'ts of marriage. We assume various roles and tasks will be taken care of by our spouse, simply because every husband/wife takes care of these roles.
Solution: Divide the tasks
Talk about the tasks that need to be done on a daily basis, and divide it amongst the two of you, keeping individual likes/dislikes in mind. If your spouse hates doing something, and you dislike it, but not hate it, take it up. These actions of love will help the marriage.
If you both hate something equally, the only option would be to take turns to do that particular task. The bottom line is, one shouldn't feel being taken advantage of within the marriage.
Newlyweds are of the notion that they aren't supposed to enter conflicts in the first few months of marriage, because this is a time of romance, understanding, and enjoyment. While this is true, conflicts are bound to occur, even from the very first night of marriage.
Couples panic when they have difference of opinions right from the first hour of marriage, and try to shovel these differences under the carpet. Soon, the carpet of marriage becomes lumpy and difficult to walk on. These unresolved issues cause a rift in the marriage as the years go by.
Solution: Voice out your feelings!
Conflict resolution is very important. If your spouse's actions have hurt you, voice out your feelings. Labeling it as trivial and burying it in your heart will only lead to bitterness years down the line. And worse still, your spouse will be unaware about the bitterness growing in your heart.
Bringing things out in the open may require courage, but it's healthy for the marriage in the long run. However, avoid accusations and words like, 'you never do this', 'you always say this', etc. Deal with the behavior, not the character.
Neglecting Individual Needs
Since two individuals have come together in marriage, so also have their likes and dislikes. Couples are different individuals with different interests. These interests shouldn't get choked up just because the other shows lack of interest towards it.
Solution: Respect your spouse's interests!
Marriage is all about 'us' and not 'I'. Even if you detest Thai food, going to a Thai restaurant once in a while will certainly cheer your wife up. It's not about sacrificing your likes and interests, instead, it's giving importance to the interests of your loved one over yours.
Your spouse knows you hate it, but will appreciate the gesture. He/she will love you for doing it, and will respect you even more. Having said this, spending time apart occasionally is also required. Setting aside time for your individual needs and interests is very necessary. However, again, this should be done with mutual consent.
Parents and in-laws pressurizing you to have kids, while peer pressure weighing down on you to upgrade your lifestyle. All this becomes too much to handle. Some get pressurized into having a kid even when they aren't prepared, while others begin to quarrel because the money isn't enough to maintain the desired lifestyle.
Solution: Do only what you both want to do!
Stop succumbing to external pressure and focus on your family. What's important is the peace between the two of you. Having a kid before you're ready can cause a lot of frustration when the kid finally arrives. Talk about when you both want to start a family, and firmly pass on the message to the others who matter.
Moreover, making bigger purchases or spending more just to maintain the lavish lifestyle your friends are leading can be dangerous. This will only make your wallet skinnier, and will eventually shove you into a pit of debts. So harden yourself and don't let others interfere with your married life.
And even if they have sex, it's more like another routine activity of the day. The husband takes little effort to woo his wife, and the wife just waits for him to get over with it.
Solution: Be creative!
Sexual intimacy brings a couple closer, which is why, it is an integral part of marriage. If sex has become a routine activity, it needs to be made interesting.
Take time to find out what your partner likes. Does your wife like more foreplay? Does your husband want to be challenged? Be creative and have a romantic shower together. If you both are tired at night, try having sex early in the mornings.
Debating and arguing is not something to fear, and if done effectively, can help maintain a healthy marriage. Through every problem that arises in marriage, remember that your spouse, the love of your life, means more to you than any problem on earth.
A healthy marriage cannot be based on rules. Work together and figure out what suits the two of you. Make your own adjustments, and above all, enjoy this journey of marriage together.