There are many married couples who, one time or another, have had fights that kept on increasing for no apparent reason. Perhaps the initial tiff was on a small, meaningless matter. But after debating and arguing about it for hours, none of the two remember how it all started in the first place. When you live with someone in such close quarters, there are bound to be differences in opinions and beliefs. And that's when things can often get out of control. It isn't uncommon to find a married couple fighting or exchanging words that one or both haven't regretted later on. In fact, arguments or at least the flow of dialog are a good sign of communication. However, there is a tactic involved which every married couple should be aware of. Many times, we end up speaking some harsh words which are not needed if you weren't so angry or upset. Feelings get hurt and in the end of it all, the distance between a couple and in marriage increases.
Ways to Discuss Issues with your Spouse
A fight, or disagreement, isn't just one person's fault and that ideology should be avoided. Instead of charging at one other with hurtful words, why not implement the practical tips mentioned below and see where they take you.
Try to Stay Calm
When things get out of control and you feel that one of you is about to burst, don't lose your cool. I know it's difficult to do this when you're arguing at that particular moment and nothing makes proper sense. It's always better to hold yourself back. When you raise your voice, things can take a wrong turn very quickly. What you have to do is ask for a little time out from all the arguing. You need to cool down, gather your thoughts, remember what is it that you are trying to convey, and then do so in a calm and rational manner. This way, you can easily explain what is it that is bothering you, and how the two of you can try to resolve it.
Avoid the Silent Treatment
Many times, when a miscommunication, lack of communication, or clash of beliefs occur, one or both tend to give the silent treatment. While arguing with your spouse the right way, this can be a bad move; and I will tell you why. Let's say for example, your wife/husband is upset with you because you forgot to introduce him/her to an old friend of yours. Now when you two are alone, he/she brings the subject up and reminds you that you forgot to introduce him/her. You think that it's not a big deal and he/she shouldn't make a big façade out of it. But since this incident has hit a particular cord with him/her, the point of "letting it go" is nowhere close. Your spouse explains to you that you should've at least mentioned who he/she is because this certifies his/her identity in your life. After a long explanation, in order to avoid a big fight, you end up staying quiet. You have no opinions about the matter. And this makes the other person really upset and frustrated because it's like talking to a wall.
You (the silent person), need to focus on breaking out of your shell. Perhaps you are more comfortable by being quiet, and thinking that the argument will disappear on its own in some time. That's not how things work. Instead of disappearing, that fight will keep cropping up when you least expect it. So my advice to you is, face the argument and think about the issue from your spouse's point of view. If he/she is so worked up about all of this, then maybe there's something to it. Even he/she deserves to be heard, right?
Don't Fight in Public
When you are out in public or aren't alone when an argument begins, stop immediately. There are many bystanders who would love to eavesdrop on your conversations. Or perhaps there are some family members or friends around; that can be a disastrous moment because some of them may try to butt in and help mend things between you two. An argument, disagreements, fights, or whatever, between a husband and a wife is a private ordeal. So don't wash your dirty laundry in front of others because that can make either one of feel embarrassing or demeaning. Plus when other people are involved, one person feels like he/she is being ganged-up on or attacked. This can make anyone feel alone and hurt. Which is why, think and see where you are and calmly communicate with your spouse. You will not only avoid a big fight but also eliminate all awkwardness.
Don't Bring Past in the Present
If you are upset about something, say it clearly. Stick to the facts and don't bring old fights in the new ones. Don't go way back and talk about a completely different disagreement because frankly, those issues have no place at this moment. Many couples tend to do so because during a particular argument, they realize that they are quickly running out of ammo and they need to hit harder than before. Just focus on the current situation and try to deal with that first. If you do have any unsolved hurt feelings, then you can definitely bring them up when the time is right.
De-emphasize the Criticism
Instead of attacking someone with "You're a slob" or "You can't get anything right the first time", try using a different tactic. When hurtful words come your way, it is natural to raise an invisible wall in front. And when this wall is up, it becomes very difficult to bring it back down. Words and arrows are the two things that once released; they can't be called or taken back. So you have to be very careful as to how you say something to your spouse. Just be honest with your feelings and tell him/her that some habit or behavior is not acceptable or appreciated by you. Who knows, your spouse might just surprise you and want to change few things in him/her.
Every relationship is different, and so will the arguments be. What you need to know is, arguments occur in a marriage and they are a part of our lives. No matter how much to try to run away from them, they really can't vanish completely. But you can save yourselves a lot of trouble by having to go through blown-up fights and spiteful words. Remember, you two got married for a reason and that is to see each other happy and in love for the rest of your lives!