Online dating is so normal today, yet there is an ilk of men you meet online who you find are in no way normal and act so different online. There are several types of creepy guys online, whom you should avoid if you do not want to land in a mess of a relationship.
As a lady, you have probably been raised to listen to your gut and go what you’re comfortable with. You’ve possibly never been the dating kind, or never had the time to date, but now you realize you have to do something to preserve your gene pool. And so the hunt begins.
There is nothing worse than having to resort to online dating if you are strapped for time, busy minding your career and trying to make ends meet because of your stereotypically expensive shopping habits. However, going online is the only way you will be able to finally settle down, what with your parents running after you for (read “like”) grandchildren. So you finally summon up the courage to try online dating for the first time. I warn you, it will not go well the first few times around. You will be tossed around like a sheet of paper in a tornado, confused, clueless, and with no idea what you should do. It’s a sticky web of deceit out there if you are one of those who perpetually have no idea what you’re supposed to be avoiding, and walk into traps like they’re the Yellow Brick Road to Salvation. There will be so many types of guys you meet online, who you will get “the vibe” from, and you’ll want to take an oath of chastity complete with metal chastity pants locked shut unless for Prince Will Do (I never intend puns, they just happen). Okay, I make it sound like a cheaply made horror house from your local carnival, but it’s true! There are so many types of guys you should know to avoid online, or just in real life. If not for your sanity, then at least for your safety.
Giddy up! Let’s Meet Some Potential Online Dates
Creepy John
Straight off the bat, this guy will give you the creeps. He has a Buffalo Bill vibe, and you do not want to be the cute girl who ends up in the cellar of a cross-dressing serial killer who later ends up acting as police chief Stottlemeyer in Monk. He will have a creepy profile photo, a hideously unkempt beard, hard, staring eyes, and inspire fear just by looking at him. He appears to be secretive and prone to temper. You swipe right, though you know appearances can be deceptive.
Resident of Stalkerville
This guy will probably read your profile ten times, and try to find out every little thing about you. He will piece together information about you better than Sherlock Holmes and Watson combined. He will message you the minute you log on. You won’t even come to know that he knows all about you until he calls you one day and you don’t remember ever giving him your number. What you do remember is telling him politely that you’re not interested, and now he’s calling you. Run.
Despobob Clingypants
This guy is so annoying that his “bahaha” laugh is the best thing here. He will be eager to please you by faking similarities. You have to meet his family first off. He will offer to move to your city and neighborhood immediately after befriending you on social networking sites. Oh, and the insecurities. You won’t have a social life if you agree to his hundred messages begging for a date. He goes from calm cute clingy to aggressively scary in less time than you take to say “bye”.
Fetishist Galore
Let’s just say if it’s feet, you’re lucky. There are so many things that can and will go wrong if you even consider this person for a civilized reply that says “No, thanks. Have a good day”. You will find weird things obsessively put up in his pictures, to say the least. Since the inter web is a convenient tool to hide behind, you don’t know what you will find there. It’s safe to say being an explorer is not a good idea on social media.
Cliche guy
This guy’s entire profile will be filled with quotes, idioms, proverbs and inspirational talk. Is there anything this person can think of by himself? Is he going to be the priest with the sermon that you desperately tried to get away from on Sundays? No one can tell. He will be the ultimate form of the person who just vomits and copies trends blindly, right from tastes in music to clothing. The worst thing to happen when you start dating him will be the cliches tumbling out of your own mouth.
Avoiderman
This man will show such an intense burst of interest in you, in such a charming, non-creepy way, that you will feel that you’ve finally found someone who is genuinely interested in listening to you and your day. But as soon as you express interest in actually meeting the person, or even mention commitment in a casual reference to your friend’s relationship, he backs out like his mother is dying. And then he vanishes. His actions go against what he says. This man is never gonna be available.
The Touchy Feely Guy
This man has photos with him hugging/kissing/ everyone he meets. Anyone violating your personal space all the time is just not going to cut it for you. Especially if you’re germ-phobic. Oh, and they’ll do it to everyone even with you around. Plus he might just be a ladies’ man. That’s a few legit reasons to let this one go by.
Liar-liar
The worst one, he does not hesitate to manufacture an entirely new personality that seems too good to be true. He will be the guy with the perfect bod, perfect job, perfect height, family, best hair, and Winner of Witch Weekly’s Most Charming Smile Award five times in a row (if you don’t get this reference you are not a Harry Potter fan). The liar can also turn out to be the perfect guy whose profile is real. It’s up to you what action you decide to take.
The Serial Online Dater
He probably is unhappily married (not always married) and is looking for something exciting online because that is the only space left private to him (this is a second account since his wife has the password of the first). He will probably keep you unaware of everything else in his personal life, and most talk will incline towards poorly concealed euphemisms and innuendos which he will eventually try to escalate without meeting. Nothing long term here.
Crazy Artiste
He is the uneducated version of the philosophy major. He thinks he has an “artistic temperament” and is depressed about the problems of the world. A keyboard warrior in America for people dying in Africa, he will provide lengthy idealistic and liberal speeches for the benefit of his social media followers, and get into online arguments defending his radical views. His negative attitude will sap you and get you depressed, and his mood swings will leave you confused and exhausted. Avoid.
Clueless Bob
This one does not know where he’s going, and will describe himself as someone who just goes with the flow. All the time. He’s tried his hand at everything and gotten entry-level jobs everywhere he applies. Right from being a librarian to a white water rafting coach, he cannot find where he would like to go next. You don’t need someone like that because it spells I-R-R-E-S-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y and confusion. Don’t try to be a savior unless you’re prepared to be the primary breadwinner.
Corporate Honcho
The corporate honcho is always busy. He will genuinely love you but will not let anything get in the way of his career, for he will be highly career oriented and will try to squeeze couple time into the week you both spend single. You won’t be happy, you’ll want a little more time but he won’t be able to give it to you. Give it up. Or maybe later.
Creating an online dating profile is like writing a resume for a job without pay. All types of men exist, and they also wish to make a good impression, but sometimes it can go awry. People end up portraying false images of themselves which misleads others (in both detrimental or beneficial ways). This falsity can often be spotted if you are alert. Lies created to facilitate dating sometimes are never found out until it is too late. The reverse is true as well, because one’s online presence may not be as well-thought out as one might expect, therefore think twice before accepting, as well as rejecting carelessly and letting Mr. Right fly past in an alien spaceship (haha, you geddit right? Okay). Do not fret if you feel that your escapade into the online world has been fruitless. There are so many fish in the sea who are still sane. You will find someone. If you don’t, there is always House, M.D. to guide you to misery in singledom.
