Getting over an affair is never easy for most. Knowingly or unknowingly, we become so involved with that person that when the time comes to separate (sudden or prolonged), it leaves this dull ache somewhere deep down. For some, it affects their lives at a more direct level. Others hide behind their pain and become a shadow of their former, normal selves.
Trying to get over someone? And it seems like a fresh assault on your heart every time you think about it? It’s never easy, this ‘getting-over-an-affair’ business. But, it must be done. In the following article, I shall try to touch base upon several situations of how to get over an affair. I really hope it helps.
Give Yourself Time
You’ve just broken up from your significant other and ended the relationship. Fresh out of a relationship, when the addiction of being with someone hasn’t been curbed yet and the thoughts of the other haunt you, you’ll probably lose interest in everything. That is OK. Allow yourself that time. Don’t try to cut out the thoughts, not when the pain is fresh at least, ’cause they’ll haunt you even more if you force them. For some, this time will stretch over a long period, for others not so much.
Let the Tears Flow
Another factor that has been known to help like no other is to let the tears flow. Feels silly and weak? Especially for the guys? Why don’t you try it and you’ll see how light you feel. Plus, who says that you have to turn into a crying blithering mess with an audience for company? Cry in private, why not? The point is to allow the emotional strain and stress to ebb. And it really, really does. There’s no need to keep the tears in and suffocate yourself with the strain.
Talk to Someone (Or Write it Down)
Start purging your feelings. It helps if you have someone to talk to, a friend or a relative. Talking will get the feelings out and help you think more clearly. But what if you don’t have anyone to talk to? Then writing it down helps just as much. This will help lighten your heart and get all your feelings out. Thus, making it simpler to deal with them because you will get an objective viewpoint of the same. The relationship issues will become clearer and better to grasp.
Find an Activity
You can’t stop the thoughts flooding your brain, every time you breathe? It’s time to take control. It can get to be a habit to dwell on the negative thoughts and painful memories, but it is not going help you any. So then there is a need to consciously distract yourself. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself busy-join a new activity, a cooking class or dancing lessons. Or take up a study course. Keep yourself busy so that you divert your attention on to different topics.
Be Among Friends
Your friends are there to support you. They are well aware of the situation you are in. Hang out with them. When you are with your niche and comfort group, it helps, because you can be yourself and they won’t judge you for it. They’ll help you move on and regain lost control of your life.
When the time is right for YOU, you’ll start to feel less and less bogged down. You won’t drag yourself to work or class, but enjoy it. That is the time you start to tell your brain to stop thinking about him/her. If it doesn’t hurt too much, try and discard the things that you have of the other person. Store them away so that they don’t take you on a roller coaster ride of memories. This is a very important step if you are looking to move on after a break up.
Just start applying yourself to gain that lost confidence back which can happen after a nasty break up. Success in any field in your life automatically floods you with ‘happy hormones’ which then gets carried over to the other parts of your life. The confidence you gain becomes multiplied. There is no better way of getting over someone than when you get your self-esteem and identity back.
…As the Cheater
Life had become dull. You seemed to have lost the connection with your spouse. And you cheated. Your wife/husband found out. You broke up with the other and now you are miserable. Seems familiar? Let’s get one thing clear-what you did was not right. I can understand the rift in feelings with your better half or the loss of spice in your life, but nothing justifies putting someone through that pain of infidelity. Then again, let me not start a preaching session here. I want to help because it’ll probably help you re-kindle what is left of the relationship with your wife/husband. Getting over the affair that you had is important because you have to move on and do justice to the person you married by helping them get over their broken heart.
Talk it Out: Your spouse is angry with you. Can you blame him/her? If they are still willing to make the relationship work, the first thing you need to do is talk to them. Tell them why you cheated, what were the marital problems that you were facing and give them the confidence that you will try and set things right. Ask them for time.
Introspect: Introspect and find out what made you cheat. Make a note of all the things lacking in your relationship and see if you can inculcate any of those things in your marriage.
Woo them Back: Woo them back and mean it. Remember the time you were first falling in love?
Re-create that time. Spend time with her, take him out on a date. Forget about the marriage and try and fall in love again.
Winning the Trust Back: You think it’s tough getting over the affair as a cheater? Try being in the other person’s shoes for a while. Their trust is shattered and you’ve caused them immense pain. For now and for as long as it takes, you need to not merely apologize, but work to gain their trust back.
Whatever it takes – with words and actions.
Make Changes: Make changes in the relationship. Ask what she wants you to change. Tell her what you want from the relationship and your sexual life.
The Children: If you have children then start thinking about them. Really thinking. Think about what it’ll do to them if you split or break up. That will deter you from slipping again. Because it is not necessary that your partner will forgive you every time you have an affair. Getting over your affair is not easy for them either.
What if you’re trying to get over your affair as the other woman or trying to end things with a married lover? In both these scenarios, it is necessary to understand only one thing-your lover is married. He/she has a different life. I won’t get into the details about why you did it. Maybe it was a weak moment, maybe it was true love. But if you have broken up now, you have to try to learn about how to get over them. The same rules will apply as that of getting over a breakup (refer to the first subtopic ‘Steps of getting over an emotional affair’.) But along with that, it is necessary to safeguard yourself so that you don’t fall into a pattern of having affairs with married men/women and are able to stop yourself from in time. Worse is being slotted into the category of the ‘other woman’. When you realize this and have experienced that it causes extreme pain while getting over the affair with a married man, it will hopefully deter you from repeating the same mistake.
A mutual decision or a sudden heartbreak; cheater or cheated; the ‘other’ woman or the married man…all included, getting over an affair is tough. No one can measure the pain, no one can foretell the anger, no one can demand a right. Getting over the affair just has to happen. With a definite closure or without one. Maybe this article has aided a little. I don’t know. But I really hope it has. All the best with that broken heart… I hope it mends soon.