Given that the lives of both – men and women – are so tangled in each others’, given that they are always in each others’ paths, and given that that’s how it will be, it’s imperative that we attempt to understand men better.
Most women state that they don’t understand men. That they never know how to go about having a smooth, functional relationship with them. While I can understand the angst, I stand by the fact that it is in fact possible to have a smooth (though not always), functional relationship with the men in our lives. How do we manage that?
What Seems to Be the Problem?
You’ll probably be aware of a few trademark factors that makes males, well, males because of the interactions you’ve had with them through your childhood and adolescence. But then understanding men in the roles of a father or brother is completely different from understanding them as romantic partners. No matter if you’re already in a relationship with him or are planning to get into one, understanding your guy is crucial for the future of the relationship. Let’s get your Y chromosome facts straight. Shall we?
The first, and the most important thing that you need to know? Men are different from us. They think differently, act differently and approach issues differently. If you expect them to think and behave like the way in which we do, and then hold it against them if they don’t, you’re bound to be in for rude shocks and a whole lot of disappointments.
What You Can Do
Since you can’t do much about them being different, simply accepting this fact will remind you to put things into perspective when you’re exasperated over something that they’ve said (or not said) or done (or not done).
Women discuss problems to vent and to share. Men discuss problems with the aim to provide solutions. If you start discussing a problem with him, more often than not, he will start giving you advice on how to approach the problem and find a solution. All you want to do is discuss the problem and all he hears is ‘I want a solution’.
What You Can Do
Try telling him that you only want him to listen. Or try a different approach and discuss the problem with him to get a solution(s) that you’ve probably never thought of.
It is we women who harbor ideas about romantic gestures, love letters and notes of unfaltering love, long drives and gifts. Most guys’ idea of romance is a home-cooked meal, you serving it wearing high heels and a head massage (for him, not you) (What? Can’t a girl exaggerate a little?) In short, what you think is romantic might not really be his idea of romance.
What You Can Do
…but that does not mean he won’t ever want to try out your idea of romance. Maybe he’s never thought of it because he’s wired differently, remember? So why don’t you leave some subtle hints here and there for him to pick up? Try mentioning a friend who’s husband surprised her with a bunch of roses or an impromptu drive. If that doesn’t work, maybe you could try getting blatant about it. Beyond that, there’s not much you can do. Buy yourself flowers and leave a card that says from ‘Me to Me’. Maybe he’ll get the hint then.
All men look. Some men do it discreetly, others do it in the open. And then there are some who have this almost innate ability to flirt. Maybe it’s a chance encounter with an old friend or a salesgirl in the market, but it seems to bring out their hidden charm oozing out to the fore. In some, Every. Single. Time. And it…drives…you…mad…!
What You Can Do
There are probably no sentiments behind it and he’s just having some fun (after all who does not like a little ego-boost?) So understand what’s the scene before you say something. If you see a pattern though or it just makes you uncomfortable, then speak to him about it. If he cares about you, he’ll explain the harmless fun that he’s having (you could be convinced, you maybe won’t) or stop altogether. If he doesn’t, you could try giving him a dose of his own medicine by men watching and flirting with your share of guys.
Do you at times feel that when you have problems with your relationship and you really want to talk about it, your guy seems less excited, even annoyed?
What You Can Do
Unlike women, men do not believe in talking over and over about a problem, they find it highly unpleasant. If there was a fight or argument that happened, they’d rather just put it behind them and move on.
You’ll want to go all out and discuss the problems and tensions he’s facing and reach a solution together. But that’s not how men think. He will probably shut himself off and mull over the problems by himself. That does not mean he thinks less of you or that he does not consider you an important part of his life. Men are just not wired that way. Most prefer to be with their problems alone and reach a solution like that.
What You Can Do
Maybe he needs a little coaxing, that which you could try. But it may not work. Give him a little space and time and when he’s in a better state of mind, maybe he’ll discuss it with you himself.
The ways in which he wooed you when you were getting to know him, the things he said and the way he behaved, all that has long vanished. There’s no more evident romance there and you feel like he’s taking you for granted.
What You Can Do
It’s all in the chase for him. This is how he thinks…
You were a challenge, and I won.
What more do you expect to be done?
Frustrating, isn’t it? So what’s to be done? Don’t take it lying low. Be your own person, have your own plans, don’t be around to let him take you for granted. Be a challenge all over again and after he’s realized that there’s more to you than he initially thought, his interest will be piqued. Most certainly.
And There’s More…
Here’s a general list of what makes men the way they are. Certain habits, certain ways in which they think and certain things that they like or don’t like. All this combined is why they behave the way they do.
Men tend to be happy most of the time. They are quite happy-go-lucky by nature and they really don’t like to crib. So don’t be surprised if you don’t find him mulling over an incident some time after it has happened.
He passes a stray comment about something to do with you and it sends your mind into overdrive thinking and re-thinking about why he said that. When you ask him about it, there is a high possibility that he won’t even remember saying anything to you or not meaning it the way you took it. It’s the same logic when it comes to fights. Women will tend to remember points from even 5 arguments ago, while men might not remember even the most obvious details.
Subtle hints don’t work on most men, they need to be told what needs to be done in clear bold words. It is a different issue that most women complain about having to remind and re-remind them over and over again.
Most men have this innate need to tease. Even when you ask them not to, they’ll still do it. It’s just their way of having some fun, they say. Sometimes we just have to let it go.
We can’t always relegate it to the famous cliché ‘Men will be men‘ and leave it at that. We’d lose our minds if that was the case. A middle ground has to be reached. And while it can get quite challenging trying to understand him, these points should help. Plus there’s always that comforting factor that when you spend enough time with him, you will eventually know what he is made of – what he thinks, what drives him, what gets him mad…In that way, you will develop a keen sense of understanding his ways, when to let go of things, what to stress on, what he means to you and what you mean to him. And when you start understanding him like thus, you’ll know that it is possible to understand him at most times. And the sometimes that it’s not? You can relegate it to the ‘Men. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them‘ category.
