Can you be in love with two people at the same time? Or is it that you have a strong infatuation towards this new lover, or perhaps you have run out of love with your current lover? LoveBondings throws light on this dilemma …
❝If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because, if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second.❞
The aforementioned quote answers this complicated question in a rather simple manner, but that doesn’t end the complexity of this subject, does it? While many would agree to the fact that if you really loved your partner/spouse in the true sense of the word, you would have never ever thought of being with someone else. There are some who agree to the possibility of falling in ‘love’ with two people at the same time, where they find it difficult to let go either one of the two. In fact, according to a survey done by Psychology Today, ‘Two-thirds of the 1,100 readers who participated, agreed to the thought of loving two people simultaneously.’ Why do you think that is?
You will find absolutely anything and everything in love, except for logic. However, when you ‘fall in love’, the ability to think logically just disappears. All you can think of is the rush you feel with this new lover of yours, as if the passion, excitement, and attraction of being with him/her has possessed you completely. Both of them are irreplaceable in your lives, and you need them both to feel complete. But, think again. Is it because of love, or something else?
Why do you think you can love two people at once?
Mind you, we’re talking about romantic love, and not the one that you have with your parents, siblings, fish, and cat. The difference is that, when you are involved with someone romantically, sex comes into the picture. And if you have already chosen someone to fulfill that need of yours, going for another one is what we call, ‘adultery’ or ‘cheating’.
Your perception of handling two lovers at the same time depends mainly upon your definition of love. What is love to you? Is it a mere warm, trance-like feeling that you experience when in the arms of that one person? Is it a hypnotic state, where all you think about is to make the other person happy, to give your best to him/her? Is it the security that you get when you’re with that person? Or is it the euphoria of feeling alive, to feel the rush, nervousness, and the high that you haven’t felt in years, or perhaps never felt at all? If you think about it, if one person satisfied all the criteria you have included in your definition of love, you would never have fallen for the other one. Truly said, Johnny Depp!
Who infused your (or all of ours) brain with the whole concept of love, and what it should be like? More than real-life scenarios, our concept of love―or should we say, ‘True Love’―is influenced by media: Story books with a prince charming, movies where one kiss makes everything right, novels and books that substantiate that just feeling a ‘connection’, is what love is, and the list can go on and on! These sources make you believe that true love leaves no room for imperfection, that finding ‘the one’ would make everything right. Alas, reality is so far from all these portrayals!
Is second love a way to escape from your chosen reality?
Spending your life with your lover is not all ballads and songs, or fulfillment of long-yearned fantasies into realities. In fact, it was his/her best that made you fall for him/her in the first place, but as the journey of togetherness proceeded, you unraveled the worst too. Also, what once was all about you, got divided between kids, responsibilities of the household, finances, loans, mortgages, in-laws, and slowly the whole excitement, charm, and passion seemed to cease.
Then came a new person who rekindled the fire again, who took your mind off the responsibilities and expectations, who took you to a different ride altogether! This person didn’t care about the world, but about being with you. You felt as if you are young, attractive, desirable again, and the world has become more appealing. Ain’t all this right? If you had any issues with your current/steady partner, you would think of leaving him/her. But he/she has been loving too, in a different way of course, so you conclude that you need them both.
What does this actually imply? It implies that love is all about your emotional needs, needs that were either never fulfilled, or perhaps they aren’t prioritized anymore. If it was all about the body or sexual need, then you wouldn’t call it love. It would be just lust. But the reason you’re calling it love is because there is more involved. Then, can we say that this number two in your life is not love, but an escapism from the reality where your emotional needs are somewhat left behind?
Being in love with two people, is it possible?
In delusion, yes; in realization, no! The thing is that, people use the word love quite lightly these days. In fact, you tend to use it for anyone who seems to fit into a part of your ‘definition of love’. We believe that the right usage of the word is when you’re using it for a person you will never cheat on, irrespective of how things take shape in the future; remember, the wedding vows say ‘for better and for worse’.
Marital therapist Andrew G Marshall states that ‘love for a partner has three essential ingredients: intimacy, passion and commitment. With this definition, it is actually impossible to love two people at the same time.’ If your relationship lacks commitment and fidelity, it isn’t love at all. Think about it. If finding love was so easy, if it was so perfect, why would it be held with such great honor even in religious texts. The Bible defines love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV) as, ‘Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.’
Cheating on one partner to fulfill your unrealized dreams and fantasies, or to let go the monotony and boredom of your relationship cannot be explained as anything but selfishness. We don’t deny the fact that may be, just may be, the one you are committed to isn’t your true love. If that is the case, why the dilemma? And if there is a dilemma, that can’t be the case!
In conclusion …
Ask those who claim to handle two lovers at the same time! Is there peace and satisfaction in the whole thing? Isn’t having just one lover more satisfying than juggling between two? The truth is that, you cannot really love two people. What makes your mind thinks so is nothing but the fluctuation of the hormones within you, due to the complications―that seem as an appealing rush at the time!
Psychologists say that healthy people tend to be more satisfied in a relationship with one lover, whereas, those with narcissistic tendencies and dysfunctional emotional lives entertain the idea of being in love with two people at the same time. William Jankowiak, an anthropologist at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, studied polygynous cultures, only to come to a conclusion that even there, where a man is supposed to love all his wives equally at the same time, there was always this one wife who surpassed the rest. Therefore, thinking that you can love more than one man or woman simultaneously is nothing more than a cover-up to hide your cheating. Think about it!