Women are not always able to tell the difference between men who are womanizers, and those who seem allergic to commitment. They are both very similar, in the sense that they refuse to commit to someone in a relationship. However, in a way perhaps, commitment phobic men are better than so-called 'players'. That's because they are simply scared to commit. On the other hand, for a more promiscuous man, the objective is to go through as many women as he can for sport. The difference is that it is easier to have a relationship with people having commitment phobia, than with pleasure seekers. Commitment phobia is one of the very common relationship issues, and hence, so many women are searching for ways to win their men over.
Commitment Phobic Behavior
Your relationship is probably going very well at the moment, except for this one little glitch: 'commitment'. The first thing you need to do is define what it means to you. Different people have a different understanding, and different levels of this rather dicey term. You want your guy to see no other girl for the time you both go out? You want your guy with you for the foreseeable future? You want marriage? Get your mind very clear, on your own personal definition of the word.
Why do men shy away from those 'where is our relationship going' conversations? Because they hate them. This is not one of the tell-tale signs, but it is the constant nagging about this issue that simply irritates them. So, if your guy is avoiding this question, he's not afraid. He's just being a man. Hence here's a list of signs of commitment phobia that may help you identify your problem.
- Too many short relationships. He breaks up too often over seemingly silly reasons.
- A secretive nature. The man holds back a few things about himself.
- Frequently changing jobs too may be a sign that he is unwilling to devote his whole life to a particular career.
- Low intimacy. He, unlike a playboy, may be a little wary of getting into bed with you, because he is scared to take 'the next big step'.
- Slow decision-making. He generally ponders more over the implications of what signs he is giving you with whatever step he takes.
- Another very common sign is that the guy often has an inferiority complex, and conflicting thoughts about most things.
- Loose relationship with friends and family. Commitment phobia exists everywhere, not just in his relationship with you, but also with his other relationships.
- Last but not the least, promiscuity is also a big sign of the playboy.
Handling His Phobia
Commitment phobic or not, you do want to continue your relationship with this person. So, what do you do about this? The first thing you have to do is to delve into the cause of his phobia. The causes are very limited. He's probably been through a relationship that failed badly, or he's seen a lot of failed relationships. Divorced parents too can be a major cause, as the only marriage he had observed best ended sourly. Another reason is plain indecisiveness, and an inability to figure out what he wants.
A relationship with such a person is extremely difficult, but it's not impossible to change his mind. It takes a bit of effort on both sides, but you, the pro-commitment person in the relationship, have to initiate it. You have to ensure that you do not pressurize your boyfriend into getting into a serious relationship. You also have to make sure that he feels secure in making decisions so that he feels confident and secure with himself. Do not get clingy with the person, and avoid getting too much involved. You too should have a life independent of the man, as you might be unable to win over his commitment phobia, and there is high chance of a relationship breakup.
The fear of commitment is a very hard thing to win over, and hence, you shouldn't get your hopes too high. The best relationship advice is to go on with your life, independent of the man, and keep some options open, just in case.